The New Kurosaki
by Anime Pwns You
Summary: Warning:lots of crack! What happens when Hicigo get pregnant...in the middle of the Winter War! Is this child the hero they have been looking for to end the war! IDK, but this he/she will kick A big time! Lots of GimmxNel. Of couse Mpreg! Please Review!
1. WTF

Anime Pwns You: I have had this idea for this story since last month. *whispers* I always wondered what it would be like if Ichigo and Hichigo had a daughter. I know she will be kick ass! Hichi isn't going to be too **happy** at first. *smirks*

Hichigo: What was that? *looks suspiciously*

Anime Pwns You: Oh, it's nothing…just read the disclaimer thingy. *smirks*

Hichigo: *stares at her* Fine… She does not own Bleach or I would be more kick ass than Ichi.

Ichigo: Hey! *glares*

******************************************************************************

The New Kurosaki

Chapter 1: WTF

"WHAT THE HELL OLD MAN!" yelled a very pissed off hollow while glaring daggers at a dumbfounded Isshin.

"Don't look at me I didn't do it, Ichigo did! Haven't you heard of the term 'Don't shoot the messenger'?!" He panicked holding out his hands in case he was attacked by the angry hollow. Ichigo wasn't much help at the moment since he fainted at the information give to him only moments ago.

Hichigo practically sprang from the examining table that he was seated upon to where Ichigo lay motionless on the floor. Hichigo grabbed his shirt and proceeded to shake the shit out of the now conscious Ichigo. "What the hell did you do?!" he continued to shake him.

"Ba..baby…cal..calm down.." he shuttered while being shaken to death.

"Baby my ass!" he screamed shaking harder.

"I'm…sorry…can't…breath…" He stops shaking him and stood up as realization sunk in.

"How am I pregnant?! I'm a dude! What the hell! A dude!" he ranted trying to make sense of the whole situation.

"A dude with a female reproduction system." Isshin matter-a-factly added. He couldn't help but crack a smile.

"Nobody asked you!" he hissed pointing at him. Ichigo had just regained himself and stood up. Hichigo turned his head away and pouted "You guys are asses." he huffed.

"Awe…don't be that way. You'll finally have someone you can relate to and stuff." Ichigo coaxed still keeping his distance so he wouldn't get his ass kicked.

"That's true." he couldn't help like the idea of having a kid that he could connect with and hang out with.

"I'm guessing that hollow pregnancies are different?" Isshin asked raising an eyebrow.

"There about the same except they are 6 months instead of 9." Hichigo replied.

"If that's the case you're about a month through." Isshin smiled.

Five months before the madness begins…

******************************************************************************

Anime Pwns You: Yay madness! *Spins in chair* Sorry that it was short.

Ichigo: *Laughs and points at Hichigo* You bottomed!

Anime Pwns You:*Laughs so hard falls out of chair*

Hichigo: Shut up!*glare* Wait…you wrote the story! *points at her* I'll kill you!

Anime Pwns You: Shit. *Books it down hallway, Hichigo chases*

Ichigo: Be careful! *shout at them, then sighs* Please review…her life depends on it.

Anime Pwns You: Ichigo control your woman! Help me damnit!


	2. You want to what!

Anime Pwns You: …still can't believe you bottomed instead of Ichi…*ponders*

Ichigo: Why can't you. *glares*

Anime Pwns You: *Holds up picture of Ichigo's Bankai* Dude, you have hips! *laughs*

Ichigo: Do not! *trys to take the picture, but is pulled out of reach*

Anime Pwns You: You have curves that make you look like a chick! *she and Hichigo laugh*

Ichigo: shut up, damnit! She does not own Bleach…so that means I can kill her! *smirks evilly*

Anime Pwns You: Shit…Uh…I hear the ice cream man! Bye! *runs for door with Ichigo chasing*

*************************************************************************************

The New Kurosaki

Chapter 2: You want to what?! (not like that!…perverts.)

It has been almost a week since the news and they were currently lounging on the couch watching tv in their house they bought a year ago. Hichigo just changed the channel to Spongebob.

"Change the channel…I hate Spongebob." Ichigo groaned.

"What do you have against Spongebob?" he glared at Ichigo.

"He's **retarded** and his laugh gets on my nerves, so I'm changing it." He said reaching for the remote.

Hichigo's face turned dark and he said, "Anyone who disses Spongebob needs a good…" he stood up and pulled a baseball bat out of nowhere holding it in the air. He grinned manically and continued, "…bashing." _(A/N: Sorry Spongeboob lovers…he will be bashed.)_

If you were in Ichigo's position what would you do? Of course…run like hell! And he did with Hichigo chasing close behind. After about two minutes Ichigo finally lost him up stairs and quickly…but quietly ran down stairs. Just when he got down stairs there was a knock at the door. He quickly answered the door so Hichigo wouldn't come down stairs. What he saw momentarily made forget all about Hichigo. It was Nel in her adult form…and **Grimmjow**. Grimmjow his enemy. But the weird part was it didn't look like he was coming to fight. If he was he wouldn't have bothered to knock and would have just kicked the door in. "Uh…" he was thinking of what to say.

He didn't hear Hichigo come back down stairs. But he **did** feel the baseball bat that connected with his head. "Ow!" He hit the ground like a box of bricks and laid there without movement.

Hichigo pointed at him and yelled "Pwned!" Nel and Grimmjow sweat dropped. He saw the open door and looked to see Nel and Grimmjow outside. "Watcha guys doing here?" he asked curious and not really alarmed about them being there. He lowered the bat to the ground.

"Is he…okay?" Nel asked pointing at Ichigo's motionless body.

"Yeah…I think." Hichigo poked him with the bat and his reply was a moan of pain. "Yeah, he's fine…Why you here again?"

"Um…this may sound weird, but…we want to help you defeat Aizen." Nel explained her voice almost a whisper.

"You want to what?!" Ichigo jerked upward from his position on the floor, his eyes wide. "Y-your joking!" he stammered.

"Nope…we got tired of Aizen ordering us around, and we just realized how sick minded and twisted that bastard really is. Plus why do we have to be the bad guys all the time. They usually die anyway, Aizen probably won't give a damn if we did died. Aizen…wasn't really happy about the idea of us leaving. He ordered the other arrancar to kill us on the spot. They chased us down and thought that they killed us." Grimmjow explained.

"How do we know this isn't some kind of trick?" Ichigo asked raising an eyebrow. They showed him the wounds that were still in the process of healing. Hollows heal faster so they must be a day a two old. Ichigo looked at Hichigo for his opinion. He nodded saying that he believed them.

"We were barely alive…and I have no idea how the baby survived the beating" Nel added.

This took moment for their brains to process the info just given. "You're pregnant too!" they both yelled.

"Well…Grimm and I…I don't think I need to elaborate."Nel replied blushing slightly, "I'm about a month, it may be a little weird to you." she added laughing nervously. "…wait what do you mean by 'too' " she asked tilting her head to the side.

"To put it simply…he's pregnant too…don't ask I don't know how it happened. I know what caused it…you don't need details." Ichigo answered. Nel and Grimmjow were jaw dropped.

Grimmjow finally snapped out of shock and asked "What about the Soul Society they won't be too happy about us teaming up."

"Their already on my ass about being a vizard. The think I will go crazy and go on a rampage because of Hichigo. I tried to tell them that wouldn't happen, but they wouldn't listen. They don't trust me, so I don't give a damn what they say. You're welcome to stay." He replied.

Grimmjow was stunned at what he had heard. Nel on the other hand…"Got anything to eat?" she asked.

"Yeah, follow me!" Hichigo said smiling brightly walking towards the kitchen. Creeping both Ichigo and Grimmjow.

"Yay!" Nel exclaimed happily. Ichigo's eye was twitching at the scene and Grimmjow's face was shear horror. The next 5 months were going to be long…

******************************************************************************

Anime Pwns You: Welcome to the club! *smile brightly*

Nel: Yay club!

Grimmjow: *wispers to Ichigo* Is she going to be this bubbly for the next 5 months…it's really creepy.

Nel: You think I'm creepy. I'll show you creepy. *you could almost see a red aura around her*

Anime Pwns You: Uh…Nel if you don't kill Grimmjow I will give you a…cookie!

Nel: *gasp* What kind.

Anime Pwns You: White chocolate macadamia nut.

Nel: Deal! *takes cookie* Please rev-Damn this is good. *swallows* Please review.

Anime Pwns You: Sorry I meant to make this chapter longer...Bye!


	3. Markers, Cookies, and Crack! Oh My!

Anime Pwns You: What happens when you take a cookie, makers, Mortal Kombat and Nel and Hichi left alone with Grimm and Ichi's bodies while they are training! Yay crack! *spins in chair*

Hichigo: I enjoy all those things! *smiles*

Nel: You can say that again! *squeals*

Anime Pwns You: Get ready for this chapter then! I don't own **Bleach, Batman, Bambie, or Mortal Kombat!**

**The New Kurosaki**

**Chapter 3: Markers, Cookies, and Crack! Oh My!**

It was a beautiful summer day. It would have been peaceful if…

"My white chocolate macadamia nut!" Hichigo yelled snatching the cookie out of Nel's hand.

"No! My white chocolate macadamia nut!" Nel yelled. They were in a tug a war for a cookie for the past 2 minutes.

"Dammit it's mine!" Hichigo tugged back.

"Oh, hell no it's mine!" Nel growled. Ichigo and Grimmjow sweat dropped. They had no idea what was keeping that cookie from crumbling to pieces.

"Mine!"

"Mine!" The poor cookie couldn't take it anymore and crumbled in their hands. "That was the last white chocolate macadamia nut." she cried.

"We got ice cream." Hichigo said in almost a sing-songy voice.

Nel gasp, "What kind!" Her eyes filled with excitement.

"Chocolate and vanilla." They both ran to the kitchen for ice cream.

"What the hell just happened? First they were about to get in a fist fight over a damn cookie…and now their eating ice cream together. Please tell me if that makes any sense at all." Grimmjow asked.

"Mood swings…for the next four and a half…months." Ichigo replied his eye twitching.

"Ichi where's the hot sauce!" Hichigo yelled from the kitchen.

"Why!" he yelled back.

"For my ice cream…never mind found it!" he yelled back.

"I feel sorry for that ice cream." Grimmjow whispered to Ichigo.

"I have to get out of this mad house!" Ichigo whisper yelled to him.

"I have a plan……Me and Ichigo are gonna go train we'll be back in a couple hours, okay!" he yelled.

"Bring back some peanut butter and guacamole!" Nel called.

"What the hell do you need that for?!" Ichigo asked.

Nel popped head out the kitchen door with a little chocolate ice cream and hot sauce on her mouth. She gave them the face that read 'that was the stupidest question I've ever heard'. "For peanut butter and guacamole sandwiches, duh…Do you know anything?" she replied annoyed that they asked that **stupid** question.

"Fine…" Ichigo rolled his eyes. "What kind do you want? Smooth or chunky?"

She went back in the kitchen for a moment. Then came back and said "Chunky…it help bring out the flavor of the guacamole." she said matter of factly. "If you forget…scary things **will** happen." she wave to them smiling but you could tell she was dead serious about the threat.

"Okay…see ya later…" Grimmjow said majorly creeped out and not wanting to find out what **would **happen. They quickly left after leaving their bodies in the back room…(A/N: Grimmjow has a gigai now.)

***********************************************************************************

One hour and a half later…

"I'm bored." Hichigo said bluntly. Half of his body was on the couch while the other half hanging off the side of the couch.

"Me too." Nel replied. She was sprawled out on the floor with a magazine she was reading a couple minutes ago covering her face.

"Hey Nel are Ichi and Grimm's bodies still here?" He asked.

"Yeah…why…?" Nel asked. She moved the magazine and raised an eyebrow at him.

Hichigo held up a 20 pack of markers. He smirked. "Wanna doddle on them." he asked still smirking.

"You're so evil…I love it!" she squealed taking a green marker.

**************************************************************************************

Meanwhile…

Ichigo and Grimmjow where at Urahara's underground training basement thingy. Urahara was glad that Grimmjow joined Ichigo, because he could give some valuable info about Aizen that could help defeat him.

"This was a great idea." Ichigo said between their clashings.

"I know…they were really starting to creep me out."

"It's weird how much my life has changed in the past couple years…becoming a soul reaper to saving rukia…then fighting the bounts…learning that my father was a soul reaper…Aizen and Hichigo trying to kill me…growing closer than I ever thought to Hichigo…and now **he** is having my child…What if I hadn't become a soul reaper that day?"

"Aizen probably would have won by now and this whole town would be a crater."

"Most likely…" he mumbled. He couldn't shake the feeling that Nel and Hichi were up to something. "I have a bad feeling about leaving Nel and Hichi **alone**…" he pondered.

"Are your spiddey senses tingling or something. They aren't going to set the house on fire or do something like that." Grimmjow said rolling his eyes.

"Shut up, that not what I meant. Let's just get their damn peanut butter and guacamole, and go home." he said annoyed.

"Fine." He huffed. He had wanted to continue the sparring.

*****************************************************************************

Back at the house…

Nel looked to see what Hichigo was drawing. He made Ichigo look like the Joker from the new Batman. (A/N: Love that movie!)

"Why so serious?" She joked. They both laughed.

"What are you drawing?" he asked looking at Grimmjow's gigai.

"His hair reminded me of grass so I drew flowers. The flower reminded me of trees, trees to forest. Then for some odd reason I thought of Bambie…Bambie rules!" She explained.

"I see…Ichi will be back soon with the PB and guacamole, so let's clean up." he reminded. They put the markers back in the case.

"Wanna play Mortal Kombat?" Nel smirked.

"Hell yeah!" he replied. They both sat in front of the tv and started from their saved point in co-op story mode.

Ten minutes later…

"Dammit I hate Raiden! He's always shooting damn lightning at us! How do you kill someone like that?! Seriously! He's worse than while Ichi fought Kariya!" Hichigo yelled at the game.

"I **would **help you but he keeps sending his stupid miens at m- **Son of a bitch**!" Nel added her controller vibrating from the damage received to the character on the screen. "Raiden shot me with lightening while still fighting you! How is that possible! That asshole is a cheater!" She started pressing buttons at top speed and leaned to the left as if it would make her character run faster.

"We're back." Ichigo said when they walked through the front door.

"Wazzup." Nel said eyes still glued to the tv.

"**Finish Him…"** the game said as Raiden was about to give the final blow to Hichigo's character. A humongous bolt of lightning formed and was shot directly at him.

"**Fatality….**" the game spoke casually. (A/N: I hate that, it's like the game so sure of itself!)

"No! He was almost dead!" Hichi yelled.

Before Nel could react Raiden picked up her own character with lightening and threw him off the side of the building. For some odd reason they just had to put a spike that was **randomly** sticking out of the ground in his path. Which he was implied by, then slid off the spike to continue falling until he hit the ground with a **splat**. (A/N: That happened to me! *pissed off*)

"**Fatality…Double Brutality…**" the game said.

"That asshole! If he was real I would kick his ass up and down the Mortal Kombat world!" she yelled. Her hand was balled into a fist as if she was about to punch the tv until it caught on fire. Grimmjow and Ichigo sweat dropped.

"Uh, okay…we got your food." Grimm said slowly, a little scared of Nel's rage. He held up the bag.

Nel's head spun around as she eyed the bag. Her eyes sparkled, all the rage gone. "Yay!" She charged at him faster than you can say…

"Holy shi-!" was the last thing Grimmjow said before he was bowled over by Nel. Who skillfully caught the bag before it hit the ground and began rummaging through it.

"Thanks Foo Foo!" She smiled. That was her newest pet name for him.

"Foo Foo?" Ichigo snickered.

"Shut up." Grimmjow glared at him as he got off the floor. He began walking to the back to the room where he put his gigai. Ichigo looked at Nel and Hichi eating their sandwiches. He shuddered at the site and followed Grimm.

Hichigo had flipped over Ichi and Grimm's bodies so you couldn't see the marker **yet**… They had just slipped back in their bodies. They looked at each other and laugh.

They pointed at each other and both said, "They drew on your…!" They both stopped laughing. "..face." They looked at each other again, then ran to the bathroom.

"What the hell!?" the both screamed extremely pissed off. Especially Grimmjow because he had freakin' Bambie on his forehead.

"What's wrong?" Hichigo asked timidly forgetting about drawing on them.

"This is what's wrong!" Ichigo pointed at his face.

Hichigo looked up from his sandwich to see Ichigo's pissed off face. "Oh yeah, forgot about that…It looks good on you." he said meekly as if nothing was wrong. Then went back to what he was doing.

"Why the hell did you do it?!" He yelled getting more annoyed.

"I was bored…" Hichigo replied. "And you dissed Spongebob!"

"That was weeks ago!" He yelled back.

"And what's your excuse Nel?" Grimmjow glared at Nel, who didn't really seem effected by it.

She raised her hand in the air and replied simply, "I like Bambie!"

Grimm's eye twitched. "I know you like Bambie, but why does Bambie have to be on my face?" He said losing his patience. It's like talking to a three year old sometimes.

"Cause your hair is like grass and plus he look cute on you Foo Foo!" she beamed.

"Will you quit calling me Foo Foo!"

"I thought you liked it when I called you Foo Foo." She cried.

"Nice one Foo Foo you made her cry." Ichigo mocked as he walked out of the room to the bathroom to wash his face. Grimmjow glared at him then walked over to Nel.

"It's not that I don't like you calling me **that**." He lied. "You just use it all the time…Why not think of another nickname."

"Yay! I'm going to think of the perfect name!" she cheered.

"I can't wait…" his eye twitched as he lied as her and Hichi left the room, to go to the kitchen.

Ichigo came out of the bathroom with his face clean, but he looked more piss off for some reason. Grimmjow noticed and asked "What's wrong?"

"They drew on my p-!"

"Popsicle?" Nel offered Hichigo.

"Yeah!" she handed him a popsicle. He popped it in his mouth and said "Mmm…strawberry."

****************************************************************************************

Hichigo: That makes me like popsicles even more…*smirks*

Ichigo: Pervert.

Anime Pwns You: *laughs* If you did not get that last joke you are not perverted enough to read this series! It will only get worse! *laugh so hard that she falls out of the chair*

Grimmjow: *groans* Everyone in the series is perverted…especially her for writing this crap.

Anime Pwns You: *smirks* Guilty as charged…Hey, my writing is not crap! Anyway, please review!


	4. Samich Please!

Anime Pwns You: I got this idea when eating a Subway sandwich at one a.m. last week.

Ichigo: How the hell did you get a Subway sandwich a two in the morning.

Anime Pwns You: *looks around suspiciously* I have my ways…Anyway sorry for not updating in so long. Have to help a friend move from Connecticut to Indiana! That takes awhile… This is a little bit of a filler for new chapters, so pure randomness. I don't own Bleach, Enjoy!

************************************************************************

The New Kurosaki

Chapter 4: Samich Please!

"Ichi…Ichigo." Hici was poking the back of Ichigo's head with a pencil trying to wake him up. He poked harder. "Ichigo…Ichi."

"What?" he groaned.

"Will you make me a samich?"

"Why the hell do you want a sandwich at…" he stopped to look at his alarm clock. " 2 am. You've got to be kidding me." he groaned.

"Please." he begged.

"No." he pulled the pillow over his his head as if it would block out the sound of his voice…It wasn't working very well. He asked for almost a whole five minutes. One can only take it for so long.

"Fine!" he sat up and yelled. "Damn…What kind of sandwich we talking here?" he asked pissed off about getting up to get a stupid sandwich. Hichigo's mouth move a mile a minute as he listed all the combinations. "I can't remember all that." he said irritably.

"That's why I wrote it down before I woke you up." Hichigo replied as he stuck a large post it note to Ichigo's forehead.

Ichigo walked uncoordinatedly down the hallway grumbling to himself about 2 a.m. and sandwiches. He spotted Grimmjow by the stairway. "What are you doing up?"

"Samich…" he pointed to the now similar sticky note on his head. "How bout you."

"Samich…" he pointed to his. They looked at each other then went down stairs to make their **order**.

************************************************************************

Anime Pwns You: Short chapter, but like I said it was a filler for more randomness…I will update the next chapter sooner so don't worry.

Grimmjow: this chapter sucked.

Anime Pwns You: Your just crabby because you had to make a samich in the middle of the night.

Grimmjow: Exactly…

Anime Pwns You: Get over it there is way worse to come.

Ichigo: Haven't we suffered enough already. *glares*

Anime Pwns You: Nope…*smirks* This is only the beginning. There is much more crack and randomness to come, I just need to type the chapters.*laughs evily* Piece out!


	5. The Commercial

AnimePwnsYou: I don't own bleach, the Shamwow Guy or debauchery.

The New Kurosaki

Chapter 5: The Commercial

A commercial started to blare through the house. It was showing a new mall that opened up in town with a man practically screaming about its awesomeness.

The announcer man yelled "There are shopping, games, clubs, the Legendary Candy Mountain and much, much more! This place is so hard core it makes you want to shot a panda! In the face! This place is so kick ass that the one ShamWow Guy aka hooker beater is here!" the Shamwow Guy walks up "ShamWow Bitches!" announcer starts again "You heard the man, get off your damn couches and drive down here or your will be named douche of the year!" They both started running in circles as seizure lights strobe. They chanted, "Mall, Shamwow, dead panda, Shamwow, Mall!" They both through up gang signs and yelled, "Piece out! West side!" The address flashed on the screen and then the commercial was over.

Hichigo and Nel were the only ones in that room to witness that…spectacled. They stared wide eyed at the tv.

"Nel," Hichigo started slowly not even turning his head towards her as he spoke. "You thinking what I'm thinking…" She blinked and replied.

"I'm thinking I think it too." they both shared a glance the bolted for the door.

Nel flung the door open to her and Grimmjow's room. Her eyes dart to his sleeping figure. She walked over began to shake his shoulder. "~Grimmjow~" her voice was only a whisper "~the mall~."

"What?" He turned towards her.

"Come with me to the mall."

"Let's not and say we did." he grumbled and turned away from Nel.

"But Candy Mountain Grimmjow!" she cried.

"What the fuck are talking about woman. I swear you make less sense every day." his eye twitched.

"**You don't know what Candy Mountain is? Have you no shame! Candy Mountain is full of candy goodness, happiness, singing, fun, chocolate and debauchery!"** **He stared at her in shock and horror. "Wha…What was that last one…"**

She looked around slightly and replied "…Chocolate…Now let go!" Before he could object he was being dragged out bed.

"Ichigo we have to go to the mall!"

"What, Why are you yelling?" he stared at him.

"On the tv, they said there was a new mall!" he failed his arms excitedly.

"So…" he stared even more blankly at the white man.

"Soooo let's go!"

"There no way I'm going to the mall. I hate the mall." he said with an annoyed look. Hichigo started to pout.

"But I want to shot a panda and met the Shamwow Guy." he whined.

"What the hell does that have to do with anything about the mall?"

"Everything Ichigo, Everything…"

"Why don't you and Nel take the car and go yourselves."

"That's a great idea! After were done in the mall we can do doughnuts and wheelies in the parking lot." he eyes practically sparkled with delight.

"You can't do wheelies in a car!"

"We'll find a way." His eyes narrowed.

"On second thought…I'll drive." he took the keys from him. Hichigo pouted shortly but smiled about Ichi coming.

_This is going to be a long day. _Ichigo thought to himself sighing as he watched Grimmjow being dragged down the stairs by nel who was smiling. He on the other hand looked pretty pissed off.

AnimePwnsYou: I'm back! *book thrown at her head. She pouts.* I know I suck for taking so long to write. I hope this chapter wasn't crap. Please tell me if you want me to write more on this chapter or a different topic all together.

Hichigo: Wheelies!

Nel:Debauchery!

Ichigo / Grimmjow: No!!

AnimePwnsYou: *sweat dropped* Anyway…please review!


End file.
